If you ask a couple what they fight about, they’ll likely mention the “big three”: communication, an unfair division of labor, or intimacy issues. But are those the real problems?

According to renowned psychologists, the answer is no. These are the symptoms, not the source. Dr. Orna Guralnik, star of Showtime’s Couples Therapy, notes that “communication” often becomes the scapegoat because partners don’t want to address the real, more difficult issues. The true challenge is building a relationship with someone who is fundamentally different from you—navigating their “otherness” and the ways it infringes on your own sense of self.

Similarly, celebrated therapist Esther Perel often says that in a fight, “we are not fighting over what we are fighting over.” The argument about the dishes is rarely about the dishes. It’s a stand-in for deeper feelings: “I feel taken for granted,” “I don’t feel seen,” or “I feel alone in this partnership.”

We’re constantly told to work on our “mindset shift.” But that recurring negative thought or flash of resentment is just a byproduct of these deeper issues. While it’s important to retrain the mind, it’s like pulling a weed without getting the root. The pattern will just grow back.

This is because the root cause isn’t just in your mind; it’s in your energy.

We have forgotten a fundamental truth: we are energetic beings housed within a physical body. Your energy body informs your thoughts, your emotions, and your health. When you experience conflict, insecurity, or trauma, it creates an energetic signature. Until you address the issue at this core energetic level, you will find yourself stuck in “repetition loops“—the same arguments, the same frustrations, the same distance, showing up again and again.

This brings us to the word “issue” itself. It’s easy to see it as a negative, a problem to be dreaded. But its origin tells a different story. “Issue” comes from the Latin verb exire, meaning “to go out” or “to come forth.”

An issue, therefore, is not a roadblock. It is something that has emerged from the depths, asking to be seen. It has “come forth” into your awareness so it can finally be addressed, healed, and released. It is an opportunity.

For couples ready to move beyond managing symptoms, the work begins with looking beneath the surface.

What you can explore on your own: The next time a conflict arises, pause. Instead of focusing on the topic of the argument, try to identify the true root cause within yourself. Ask: What is the feeling underneath this anger or frustration? Is it fear? Sadness? A feeling of being invisible or unloved? Where have I felt this before in my life? Tracing the emotional thread back is the first step to understanding the real issue that has “come forth.”

How I can help facilitate deeper healing: For many, these energetic roots are buried too deep to access alone. This is where my work begins. Before even bringing a couple together, I often work with each partner individually. My role is to help you go beyond talking to gently identify and clear the underlying energetic signature of past wounds and patterns. By clearing these individual blocks first, each person can then approach the partnership from a place of wholeness, not woundedness.

Create a new foundation for your partnership, one based on conscious creation rather than unconscious reaction.

Let’s reframe your “issues” not as problems to be fought, but as invitations to “come forth” and heal—together.